Read at your own risk ..

...I am in a foul mood today...

I had a terrible terrible night….awake for most part, tossing and turning, this way and that. I blame it on my monthly insomnia, where once in a month, for no particular reason, I just cannot sleep. I tried everything…increased the fan speed, decreased the fan speed, chucked my blanket for a lighter sheet, held the phone, held myself, read for a while, sang songs in the head, thought pleasant thoughts, and all I remember from the night is staring at the clock, watching the seconds hand go round and round, slow as ever.

The last I remember is watching it turn 5 AM and I think I finally caught a few winks before I woke up in the morning. And here I am, sitting in office, sleepy as hell, feeling tired and most importantly feeling low.

I am sick of everything. I am so so restless.

The internet has bored me. Facebook for instance, I wonder if we really care beyond “liking it”?? Are real friends even in touch really?? Does being in touch mean commenting on each others’ pictures? Don’t know and don’t want to find out, seriously. I already wrote about this in another post.. chuck it..

Got a couple of unexpected phone calls. And that always puts me in a philosophical mood. And I realize more and more, with some people you can literally take it up from where you left it, no matter the amount of time gone by, and with some, no matter how much you try, distances still remain.

Things at work are driving me crazy. There is too much politics at the moment, and I am caught in the middle of it. It is so exhausting. I wish I could just walk away from it all.

There was this thought I read on some blog ( can’t remember which one and how exactly it went) that said something on the lines of friendships changing, and how sad it is that meeting some people changes from being a priority to a mere possibility.

The changing season…its getting pretty chilly here .. perhaps that has to do a lot with my restlessness. The wheezing, the allergy…I’ve to learn to live with it, but each time the season changes, I feel that funny feeling in my heart, like something’s gone wrong..

Last thoughts, the sadder I am, the more inward I turn. As much as I love to reach out to people, I find myself alone in the head when feeling this way. Its charming in a way, because only when you are truly alone do you realize the importance of your own self…your person in your life ( that sounds strange but…). I guess we don’t give ourselves enough credit.

Dependence does make you vulnerable, like it or not. And it makes me smile, the little games we play with ourselves, convincing ourselves how important something is, be it a ritual, a habit, a practice. And just like that, it’s taken away. And you think your world will end. Only to wake up the next day, finding the world just like it was yesterday, bright and alive. If the lights go out in your heart, well, it’s your problem….you need to deal with it. The world doesn’t stop, even if you do.