“Hi, I am from
Bangalore and have been in love with a girl from Mysore for the last two years.
She is a Punjabi and her parents are forcefully trying to marry her off to
another man. I spoke to her father about letting us marry; he has refused and
threatens murder. She is ready to leave her family and marry me but we are
scared: What if her father kills us?” Even as one thought of possible
suggestions for the distraught couple, a recently heartbroken friend called.
“My parents
have found a girl for me. I have not met her
yet but have said yes. The wedding might take place in the next two
months. There is too much pressure. I am 26, how long can I delay the
inevitable?” he asked. One told him that
while there was nothing wrong with an arranged marriage – we have umpteen
examples of highly successful, happy arranged marriages around – agreeing to
marry someone he had not even met seemed a bit drastic. “After having taken
most of my ‘life’ decisions myself – and things blowing up in my face – perhaps
I should let my parents decide for me? Perhaps they will make a better decision
than me… No?”
Two faces of
the same coin: On one hand, a case where the guy is ready to marry according to his parents
wishes, hoping that in their infinite, adult wisdom, they would make the
‘right’ choice. On the other hand, a couple is scared for their lives because
eerily enough, its parents who want to kill them.
No matter how old you are,
I will always be the father and you will
always be the child”, was a line my father often used when we had our
difference of opinions. More often than not, at least when one was technically
still a child, he was right. Given ideal situations and not in cases where the
parents are the predators, one cannot help but agree to the belief that when
the world is against you, your parents are the biggest support you can find.
However, are parents always
right? Given that parents too are human beings, is there a chance they too
could be wrong or make the wrong decision(s)… Particularly when it comes to
choosing a life-mate?
Culturally and socially, we
have been a nation with a close-knit family structure where parents play a
large hand –till much later in their children’s adult lives – in
decision-making. From the subjects children choose in school, to the college
they go to, who their friends are, to living arrangements, marriage and even
when naming grandchildren, parents are/ have been an integral part of our
decisions. Often when children – now adults – take decisions without consulting
their parents, it is taken as an ‘insult’ or a sign of disregard.
“You don’t care for what we
think,” is a line many Indian parents will use when they find their
adult-children taking independent decisions. This is not to say that parents
are (necessarily) wrong. If parents see their 19-year-old daughter wanting to
marry a jobless boy from her college, they have all rights – and ARE right – in
stating what they think of the alliance and maybe not extending their support.
Love is not only blind but also regretful too in some situations. Having
parental guidance is of utmost importance in certain scenarios.
However, it might not be
such an open-and-shut case all the time… Like when it’s a question of
inter-caste marriages. We have had parents killing their children because they
married outside their caste. A number of criteria make a good, stable, happy
marriage. Perhaps belonging to the same religion, community, caste or faith
adds to a marriage. But does NOT belonging to the same religion, community, caste
or faith take away from a marriage? Or reduce the chances of a happy marriage?
What if everything is
suitable between two people and they belong to different castes? WHY should
parents oppose such an alliance? What makes more sense: Parents forcing their
children to marry within their caste where the children will be unhappy or parents supporting it when their
children do make their own choice that will make them happy?
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